My parents had thought it would be a nice treat to go out with the baby, have a sweet dinner and a fine glass of wine. I was resistant as Ruby was having one of those days where she didn't want to depart from the boob. (Expectant mama's - note: this is a thing. Something I love, but had NO CLUE about). But alas, wine was my incentive and so out we went. I even put on a dress. (New mothers - do NOT, I repeat - do NOT put on a dress unless it's milk proof, poop proof and vomit proof. Maybe in my next life I'll create his clothing line, but until then dresses will be my demise).
It went like this. Nurse baby until dozy. Quickly throw on a dress, nursing pads, and toss the hair up. Baby wakes upon realizing nipple is not in mouth. Grab baby. (I'm not the cry it out type). Nurse her while attempting eyeliner and mascara. (New mama's - F*** the makeup! Not worth it!) Baby calms down and into the car seat we go - pacifier held in mouth. Meanwhile, said parents scurry to gather diaper bag, swaddle, extra burp cloth and blanket.
Ruby fell asleep on the car ride there, and much to my surprise stayed asleep for the first half hour or so. Enough time for the appetizer and much anticipated wine to arrive and begin to be enjoyed.
Upon waking, as previously stated, she was a hot mess until I shimmied my way to the inside of the very very VERY small booth we were in so I could have some back support, maneuvered the dress I shouldn't have been wearing, put my feet on said small booth with the short dress I shouldn't have been wearing, shot breastmilk all over her face before we were able to connect nipple to mouth and then covered with a swaddle. Ah. A moment of accomplishment and I was feeling like I rocked that mom task. Seriously. Until this is you there is no way of knowing how huge this feels. Obviously picture worthy.
So she's content for a while, My parents and I are laughing because that's all you can do, we're enjoying our wine and I've decided my meal will take a to-go bag. (For those of you questioning wine consumption while nursing please refrain from making any comments as I've done my research and it's cool. Trust me).
And then it happens. I open the swaddle to look at my precious little peanut, we lock eyes for a millisecond and then Niagara Falls comes spewing out of her mouth. Slow motion. Onto said dress I shouldn't have been wearing. Onto said very tiny booth. Onto previously stated everything. You'd think that burp cloth my mom managed to grab would have been on my side of the table. But for some reason it's not something I keep nearby. Ever. (New moms. Get the F***ing burp cloth for the love of God).
Well. That was that. And we have a good laugh. Several deep belly roars because you realize when you become a mother that if you don't laugh at yourself and all of the mind blowing shit that happens you will actually go insane.
So my advice to expectant and new moms is this: laugh at all of it. Laugh at the blowouts. Laugh at the amount of times you have to change your sheets, your clothes and theirs, laugh when you can do nothing in a day because your miracle baby won't give your boob a break, laugh when you cry because they're crying, just laugh. Laugh at the crazy things you do to try to console your child, laugh when your holding your child while peeing or brushing your teeth. Laugh. It's all fine. And it's all passing. And it's freaking awesome.
Disclaimer: my child did not vomit because of the wine I was drinking.
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